In the summer of 2020, amidst a global pandemic, I did the unthinkable. I fled my abuser, a person I’d cared about for almost ten years. In doing so I had to leave behind a marriage, an entire shared life, and the hope that my spouse and I would grow old together. Making that escape was the most terrifying and heart-wrenching thing I’ve ever done.

Despite limited earthly resources, I had the aid of Gods from multiple pantheons, a cross-national array of witches and inspired ones, and a very supportive Baptist Preacher (my wonderful Uncle Bub). Before I go on, I want to especially thank my good friend “Peep,” who drove the getaway car, and kept me sane with phone calls every night.

But there was one person who stayed with me even when other allies couldn’t, and that was my Patron God, my Faery King, my Beloved. It was Gwyn ap Nudd, to whom I took vows of dedication and sacred marriage. His love and kindness gave me the strength and clarity to admit that I was being abused, and to leave my ex, stepping into the unknown. With Gwyn’s help, I’ve been able to heal, grieve, and let go.

And it is in devotion to Him that I present this album. But at the same time, I’m doing this for me.

So, this album tells the story of my escape and healing over that summer. I think in stories, so you’ll often hear me pull in references to myths and fairytales, shoujo anime and science fiction. And then, because I’m Gwyn’s awenydd, I weave them together into the tale of my personal mythos.

These tracks were recorded on the Voice Record app on my phone, while I sang and played the piano in my parents’ living room. (I used my popsocket to hook the phone onto my shirt, so it could capture my voice!) Which is to say, these will not sound like they were recorded in a studio. I’ve tried not to worry too much about the occasional wrong note or background noise, and instead focus on expressing the emotional story through my hands and voice. I think the result is gripping and raw, and I invite you to sit in my virtual living room while you listen.

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About the album cover art:

[Image Description: Inside a square black frame, we see a gradient of purple and blue, with a star-like flare in the upper left corner. On one side of the image there’s an atmospheric photograph of a red glazed coffee mug and a silver ring with antlers, resting on top of a red and black crocheted garment. The mug has the profile of a face etched into the glaze, and another flare has been added to resemble a bright tear on the cheek of the face. The antlered ring rests on top of a mirrored surface inside a small container, and underneath the ring we see a chip of red glaze which has fallen off the brim of the mug.

On the other half of the cover art, next to the photo, are these words: “You’re Not My Gwythyr,” with watercolor-like staining on the text. Most of the words are purple and white, but the word “Not” is stained red. Underneath, in a light-to-dark blue gradient, is the text “Thornsilver Hollysong / In devotion to Gwyn ap Nudd.”]

On the last day I saw my ex, I went back to our shared apartment to reclaim some of my things. I hadn’t yet told them I was leaving for good, because I wanted to get myself and my stuff safely out before risking their reaction. After packing up several boxes, the final thing was a bag of my mugs. My ex lifted it roughly into the cart, and my red glazed mug suffered the chip you can see on the cover.

They looked more irritated than contrite. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was fragile.”

Yes, I thought. You didn’t realize or care that it was fragile. And that’s why you’ve broken our marriage.

A few weeks earlier, my ring had broken–the placeholder ring I’d been wearing for Gwyn, ever since we decided to call ourselves married. So I bought a new one (which you see pictured), but wasn’t expecting it to arrive until later that month.

It arrived the day before I went back to that apartment for the last time.